


Clams Up Bar

by mushi6618



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman: The Animated Series
Genre: Alice in Wonderland References, Drunken Shenanigans, Drunkenness, F/M, One Shot Collection, Walk Into A Bar, Wizard of Oz References
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-03
Updated: 2016-04-03
Packaged: 2018-05-30 23:59:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6447331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mushi6618/pseuds/mushi6618
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Welcome to the Clams Up Bar, a place of refuge for the unwanted criminal. Also one of the only spots in Gotham where two infamous characters go to forget the troubles of the world. "I'll show you the Crane style." A very corny line Crane uses to pick up girls with on the occasions when he does get drunk; lucky for him it works on Becky.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Crane Style

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Batman or related characters.

…

_The Clams Up Inn & Bar, 11:45 pm._

…

It was the thunderstorm of the century, and it ragged over the city of Gotham. No one was out in this weather, not even the crazies. This was a night to stay inside and enjoy getting stranded at your local bar.

Our story takes place at an establishment where only the 'crazies' hung out at. You know the kind… the one's that hold the city Mayor for ransom just to show on national television him sit on a Whoopi cushion, or the one's that try to freeze the city because they want you to just as miserable as them.

The Rogues.

On this particular night two of the lesser known but still highly feared Rogues were having a drink. The man in the large black top hat with a 10/6 card sticking out was having a long island iced tea and the man dressed in rags with hay for hair was having a glass of rum cider. The two weren't chatting much, just sitting quietly at the bar enjoying their drinks.

Then someone put a quarter in the jukebox and the song "Little Girls" by Oingo Boingo came on. The man in the top had begun to down his drink as he glared at the poor unsuspecting soul who chose that particular song. The man with the straw hair simply sipped at his cider as his friend ordered another tea.

"You're going to get drunk."

"Tonight, I _don't_ care!"

Jonathan knew when to leave his friend alone, that and he _really_ didn't care, but he hated when Jervis got drunk. If the Mad Hatter was bonkers sober, he was impossible to deal with drunk. That  & he hit on every woman in sight. The Scarecrow shuttered remembering a time when Jervis mistaken him & his long straw hair for a woman.

Talk about a fear inducing experience…

The night went on and the two men proceeded to ingest a rather notable amount of alcohol. At this point Jervis was eying the waitress and trying to pull Jonathan down with him. The Scarecrow wobbled on his seat.

"L-Listen, uh, Tetch. I am… I'm not g-going to hit on some… _female_."

"Oh… well ( _hick_ ) I didn't know you were _gaaaaaaaaay_!" Jervis then proceeded to break out in a peel of laughter.

"I am NOT g-g-gay!" Jonathan stood up and would have almost fell if he hadn't been holding onto the bar.

"P-prove it! Ha, ha, ha, ah…"

"Fine the next… the next woman that w-walks threw…" He spun around and pointed to the exit. "…th-that door. I-I will _kiss_!" He spat the words out at Jervis and got the inside of his mask wet.

Pulling the Scarecrow mask off his face, Jonathan downed the rest of his spiked cider, and glared at the exit door. The bartender who'd been keeping his distance all night just shook his head at the two's antics. Picking up a pitcher of cider he went and refilled the Scarecrow's glass.

"That's the exit. No one will come through that door."

The two criminals both turned to stare at the bartender.

"The Dodo is r-right!" Jervis said with an enlightened look. The bartender just headed back to the other end of the bar not wanting to be dragged into their conversation further.

"…So, how do… ugh, I p-prove… I'm not gay."

Jervis slowly and fuzzily assessed the room. All he could see were a bunch of lowlife thugs; it was late so most of the waitresses went home. Just as he was about to say something that would have surely gotten him gassed, someone walked into the bar.

Both villains zeroed in on the soaked young woman as she hurriedly strode towards the bar. Jervis who was sitting closer to the woman heard most of her conversation. He heard the words car, stalled, raining, and drink. The Mad Hatter turned back to Jonathan with a Cheshire smile on his face just as the woman sat down a few bar stools away from them.

" _Found it, of course you know what 'it' means._ "

"Even d-drunk you quote?"

But Jonathan eyed the girl behind Jervis just the same. She was drenched from the rain, making her clothing and hair stick to her person. Her wet burnt-umber hair was tied at the bottom of her pony tail giving her a distinct look. Crane felt heat rise to his face; she was pretty.

"Well, aren't you g-going to go…" His voice dropped to a whisper. "…kiss h-her?"

"I… ah… I n-need another drink."

" _I advise you to leave off this minute!_ "

Jervis stared at Jonathan till the man looked way and finally got up.

" _I shall really be unhappy unless you give me the courage that makes one forget he's afraid._ " Whispered the Scarecrow.

Jonathan stumbled towards the young lady at the end of the bar and sat down next to her. Turning to the young woman he notices a few more of her attributes. The woman's eyes were a lovely shade of green and her lips were full. She was drinking her second Irish coffee and as she brought her left hand up to move some wet hair out of her face Crane saw no ring on her finger. Jonathan wet his exposed dry lips and prepared himself.

"T-The name's C-Crane. Who are you?" The girl turned her face to him; she had freckles. ' _She is so cute..._ ' Thought Crane and blushed when he pictured her in a Dorothy costume.

"Um, Becky. Becky Albright."

"So, uh, um, what's a bar like you doing in a girl like this?" Jonathan wanted to smack himself.

"Ha-ha, uh well... my car broke down about a block away and this was the only place open." She laughed again. "You seem so anxious Mr. Crane."

" _Oh yes; I am anxious, it is such an uncomfortable feeling to know one is a fool._ "

"You're not a fool; actually think it's rather sweet. I don't normally get hit on." Becky blushed.

Jonathan just sat there with his eyes wide and his mouth open. Quickly he turned away. What was going on? He looked back at the girl, Becky, only to notice she was still blushing, but his mind reasoned, it could be from the alcohol in her coffee. Unfortunately, the alcohol coursing through his system fogged Jonathan's mind. He felt bold.

"You k-know I'm a martial artist."

"Really?" He watched as she eyed him.

"You look like you c-could use a dry place to, um, stay." Crane forced himself to continue. "I-I have a room here… and if you – if you want…" Jonathan steeled himself. "I could show you the _Crane Style_."

Jonathan was sure he'd burst into flames, behind him he heard Jervis quietly laughing. Not looking at Becky he sat staring at the bottles of liquor that were lined up in front of him. His head was beginning to hurt from the alcohol and all the thinking he was doing.

"Um… s-sure."


	2. It Began With The Tea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Batman or related characters.

…

_The Clams Up Inn & Bar, 10:00 pm._

…

Two men sat at the bar dressed in two ridiculous outfits. No one in the room made a note to point his out to them, however, since to do so would put that person in a very dangerous situation. You see this was the one bar in Gotham where the Mad Hatter and the Scarecrow could come to get a drink and loosen up. So to interrupt this scarce opportunity of relaxation one would befall a certain horrible ending.

It was on this particular night we find our two bookish villains enjoying the comforts of alcohol once more. Sitting at their usual spots at the bar, Jervis Tetch aka the Mad Hatter and Jonathan Crane aka the Scarecrow sat quietly sipping their usual drinks, spiked tea and rum cider.

Jonathan, who prided himself as the wiser of the duo, had learned early on in life to stop at two drinks. But his friend had just broken out of the joint, and was also a bit of a green horn when it came to the wonders of liquor. So the man in straw and rags decided to go up to their shared room to change out of his soiled costume and let his friend get more acquainted with his drink.

"Jervis, I'll be right back. Try not to kill anyone."

Jervis merely lifted his cup towards his friend and leered at the passing waitress. Jonathan shook his head. Why did he hang out with the man in the first place?

It had been a rough night for him, which Jon knew, so he decided to let the man get drunk. Everybody, especially if you were a Rogue and had to deal with Bat-brain, had to get drunk at least once a month if not more.

Jonathan knew that Jervis changed when drunk, hell everyone did. The funny thing was that the Hatter became exactly opposite of his normally shy self. When intoxicated he became a lewd, crewed, pervert. Mistaking almost every woman he'd see for his beloved Alice Pleasance.

"Humph, women."

He finished changing into his clean costume when he noticed his unfinished formula for his latest version of fear gas. It was a powder that could effectively be absorbed through the skin just by touch. Deciding Jervis could wait a few more minutes he began to finish the uncompleted fear-formula. Time seemed to always pass faster when one is occupied and by the time he'd hatched a scheme for rigging and betting against certain sports of his choosing it was already two in the morning.

"Shit, Jervis!"

Rushing out and down the stairs he found Jervis singing at the bar.

"Twiiiiinnnnkkkkklllllleeee, Twiiiiinnkkklllleee, littttttlllllleeee, BAT, HOOOOOWWW I woooooonnnnnnnddddeerrrrrr waht you arrrreee AT! Hehehehehehe…."

"Harooo, Jervis?" The Mad Hatter turned from his stance on top of the bar.

The bar tender, Dodge Doffer, watched the scene with a mild humor. The two were becoming regulars and he was getting use to their antics. The only problem he had with them was when they tried to kill his other customers or when the Hatter called him the "Dodo".

"Really Jervis? Come now, your acting like an ass."

"Buuuutttt, Marchie! I waaaasss just s-singing tooooo the Red Q-Queen!"

Jervis made a silly face while pointing to a picture of a red-dressed stripper, then flopped down from the bar. The Hatter made the landing but managed to stumble forward and crash into his scary friend as the two tumbled to the floor.

" _For the love of pumpkin-pie_ , damn it Jervis GET OFF!"

It was then that Jervis's beer-goggles finally decided to kick in and in seconds the scary masked face with the long golden straw locks of his friend became the soft sweet golden hair-framed face of Alice. It came to a shock to him, however, when the "girl" practically tossed him off of "her" person.

Jonathan stood up rather quickly to retain his dignity. Never mind the fact that it didn't matter since the bar tender and a passed out drunk were the only other people in the bar. The Scarecrow brushed the dust off his shoulders then shrieked when Jervis practically tried to jump on him.

"What the hell are you doing, Jervis?"

"Oh, Alice, isn't it obvious?"

"Alice? Wait what… AHHHHHH!"

Before Jonathan could stop him Jervis had come after him with a 10/6 card. The Hatter had, somehow in his drunken state, placed his partner in crime under his intoxicated control. Grabbing his "Alice" Jervis pulled the chipped Scarecrow towards the stairs.

"Night, Dodo!"

Dodge watched the Mad Hatter drag the Scarecrow up the stairs and briefly wondered what the outcome was going to be like. He began to clean up the mess that the Rogue had made of his bar.

"Freaking queers… calling me _Dodo_ …"

It had only been fifteen minutes, not even enough time for him to put the glasses away, before he heard the first gunshot. Then there were the sounds of screaming, as if a man happened to be experiencing his worst nightmare…

Another five minutes later he noticed he had a customer sitting at his bar.

"Mr. Crane, the usual."

"It's Scarecrow, and _make sure_ it's a _**double**_ …"

The man's shirt was un-tucked and his mask wasn't centered, as if someone had tried to pull it off. A powdery substance dusted the man's gloves along with black gunpowder residue. Dodge knew he shouldn't ask… but he wanted to know if he had to clean up a body before his boss came in.

"Did you…"

"Certainly not you ignoramus."

"I meant kill him."

"No."

"Why's he screaming?" At this Crane's mask made a wide grin. "Did you… did you gas him?"

"For a bar-tender you're very inquisitive, _curious_ , but I'll have you know that no one died tonight… not _yet_ , at least, nor were they gassed."

"Then…"

" _Please_ , to scare a Hatter all you have to do is shoot his hat."

Dodge left it at that, not wanting to push the mad-man's curiosity any further. He made the Scarecrow's drink, a triple, and later gave him a separate room for the night. As he clocked out and was ready to head home Dodge couldn't help but shake his head.

"I don't get paid enough for this…"


End file.
